I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Randomize
