I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
