How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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