We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
