turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
