I can tuck mytits in my pants
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
