mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
