I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
