Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
