Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
