I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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