Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
