My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
