ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
