Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
