the condom got lost in my hair
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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