how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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