Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
