saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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