my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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