I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
