I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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