guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
im holly from the hills drunk
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
