i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
