OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
