Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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