I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Is it because I queefed?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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