Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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