ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
