Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
