Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
