Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
