She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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