It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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