not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
