she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
