she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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