Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
