Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
