My cat gives me a boner
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
