My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
