had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
