my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
