Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
