Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
