Don't make out with my wife yet
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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