who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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