Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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