He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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