Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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