Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
