I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
