If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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