It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
