I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
